


This Way Forward: Love in the Time of COVID

by eriamasmi



Category: This Way Up (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, COVID, Canon Compliant, Corona - Freeform, Disclosure, F/M, Father-Son Relationship, London, Loss of Parent(s), Mental Health Issues, Pandemics, Panic Attacks, Post-Canon, Romance, Single Father, Single Parents, Tutoring
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-18
Updated: 2020-06-01
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:34:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,534
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24249622
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eriamasmi/pseuds/eriamasmi
Summary: From just before the cake to beyond into the pandemic, Richard and Aine navigate their budding relationship in unprecedented times.
Relationships: Aine & Etienne (This Way Up), Aine & Shona (This Way Up), Aine/Richard (This Way Up)
Comments: 33
Kudos: 35





	1. Ache.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for clicking here! I've been lurking as a fanfic reader for nearly 15 years and it only took a freaking global emergency to sit my ass down to write something. 
> 
> I love this story, its characters, and the relationship between Aine and Richard in particular. Thank you Aisling Bea, for your creation. It's my first time writing fiction so I hope I've done your characters justice.

**She was cautiously doe eyed.**

There was something between her and Richard. Something Aine felt keenly. Like when you were hungry and you pass an open window of something _amazing_ cooking – the smell wafting up around you, making your tummy rumble and your body turn instinctively toward the source.

A whiff of happiness. 

A potential for a warm kitchen and a full belly. If only you were invited in. If only you had the right.

Yearn was a word that floated across her mind sometimes when she thought about him…and Etienne. Yeah, when she thought about _them_. 

All three of them. 

Of course, before Shona’s concerned voice cut through her thoughts.

_“You’re not in the middle of a bloody Jane Austen novel, Aine. Be carefullll."_

And for a fleeting moment she believed her sister. 

But then Aine thought Austen, and then books in general, and that took her right back again to Richard - and then she was in the thick of it once more. 

Half agony. Half hope. 

***

Sometime since they’d first met, she couldn’t quite pinpoint when exactly, that yearning feeling had given way to a full-blown ache. 

Like when she was alone – like really alone - in her apartment. 

Like when she passed a pregnant woman in the grocery aisle and stared a bit longer than she should.

Or like when she walked up Richard’s front step each week, raised her hand to the door, and wondered what it would be like if she didn’t have to knock one day. 

If she could just walk in…like she belonged. 

DAMN.

She thought Richard felt it too. The way he looked at her. The things he’d intimated. 

“…too old for you, then?”  
“You mean to live to?”  
“Well, no, you know.”  
“Yeah, I know.”

She hoped it was more than just an attraction. With Etienne in the picture, he didn’t strike her as the type of person who would just…you know, date around. 

So maybe…maybe it was more.

Maybe she’d bake him a cake for his birthday. 

***

**It was all crashing down.**

“… and I know everything about you” – the social worker’s flirty, overly-familiar touch on Richard’s arm had felt like a gut punch to Aine.

How could she have gotten it all wrong?

It was all so completely and absolutely… _mortifying_. 

Thought after thought buzzed through her brain as Aine remembered the events of the morning as hot water poured over her in the shower. 

How could she have read all his signals wrong? Why had she made that stupid cake? She’d looked like such an idiot. How was she ever going to show her face in that house again? Stupid. So stupid to think... Why was she always fucking things up? 

Aine felt her heartbeat getting faster and her breaths becoming more shallow. She banged her fist on the tiles and turned the tap. The water got just hotter - almost unbearable - but Aine didn’t move. 

Why couldn’t she just make it all fucking work? She had to be bloody cursed. Had she pissed off that fortune teller? Fuck.

She started to spiral further and Aine felt her grip on her hard-won stability over the past year slipping against the familiar yet exhausting fight with her mental health. It would be something she’d always have to deal with. 

If only therapy didn’t cost her half a month’s rent every time she went in. If only she were better – stronger – normal. If only she were…lovable.

The water felt like knives. She let it hurt. It was a small, manageable crisis she could control. 

Come on Aine. Come on. Breathe. Breathe. 

She notched the dial over once more. The temperature shifted hotter again and she cursed, scrambling back and turning off the tap. 

Her skin was red as she wrapped herself up in a towel and rubbed off the steam from the mirror. Her mascara had run and her eyes were puffy. She looked back at herself, seeing someone desperate - seeing failure. 

A fresh batch of anger ran through her. Her heart raced. Fuck failure. Fuck Freddie and his new girlfriend he was cheating on with her. Really, really fuck him and his selfish, orgasm-depriving ass. And while we’re at it, fu-uck Charlotte and her big mouth and fuck Freddie’s subsequent concern for her well being. And Shona for telling her secret to the whole damn world. 

Was there anyone out there who didn’t want to take a giant shit on her head?

Aine slumped her shoulders – that probably wasn’t fair. She couldn’t even get being angry right. What was wrong with her? Was she not worth more than all this? Would she ever get a fucking break? 

Aine closed her eyes, gripped the sink, and took a deep breath. 

In and out. 

She was not going to have a panic attack. 

In and out. 

She was going to get through this mother trucker of a day. 

In and out.

She was going to be fine.

In and out.

She was going to go to Shona’s event.

Aine could feel herself calming down, her emotions losing some steam as they found a more manageable frequency. She kept breathing slowly until she could feel the bathroom becoming a bathroom again, and not a portal back to rehab.

She splashed some cold water on her face and steeled herself against the night ahead. 

She would not let her mental health be bested by Charlotte and fucking three-pump Freddie.

***

**Richard called.**

“…I’m not sure that it came across that, uh that was what was going on, so I thought I should…you know…let you know.”

Aine’s heart skipped multiple beats. 

Just when she’d thought she’d have to buy a cat and resign herself to spinsterhood and possibly breathing into paper bags in bathroom stalls the rest of her life.

“Yeah…anyways.”  
“Well, I … and Eitenne…will see you Monday”.  
“Yeah, yeah you will, yeah.”  
“Okay bye.”  
“Okay bye.” 

She’d hung up the phone and let the relief wash over her – a tiny warm sensation crept into her belly. It felt a lot like hope. And damned if she couldn’t stop smiling. 

God, this emotional roller coaster of a day had done a number on her. 

She should be more careful with her heart – put up some protective walls – establish boundaries – listen to her therapist. 

But somehow… even with all the shoulds and all the uncertainties…she just wanted to…give it a go, you know?


	2. Hope.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A proper invitation.

**Before the lockdown happened in London, they’d barely made it past a second dinner.**

After Etienne’s Monday lesson following their… _enlightening_ phone conversation, Richard had wasted no time in asking Aine if she’d like to stay after on Friday for tea.

This time the invitation to share a meal was decidedly more deliberate and welcoming than its awkward predecessor.

Richard still stood uncomfortably in the kitchen, but his confidence was bolstered knowing she’d gone out of her way to bake and bring him a birthday cake. He ventured she’d accept his request.

And true to his hopes, Aine had agreed…albeit maybe a little too eagerly. She cursed herself inwardly for not playing it a bit more cool, but then just as quickly thought, to hell with it. She wasn’t going to live her life with regret. She had wanted him to ask her to dinner…properly ask her… for a while now.

Richard didn’t seem to mind her enthusiasm. He visibly relaxed, and smiled at her, “Good. Looking forward to it Aine.”

Her heart fluttered when he said her name. Christ almighty. She hadn’t felt like this in…

Had she _ever_ felt like this? Lord help her she might be done for.

***

The rest of the week Aine tried to be a little bolder, texting Richard funny memes during her lunch break and maybe showing up a few minutes early on Wednesday’s lesson so they could chat --mostly about how he didn’t understand the memes she’d sent. She told him that most 73 year olds had trouble with the social medias and to not feel too bad about it.

He threatened to rescind her dinner invitation.

‘I won’t risk it Richard, you win.” Her hands up in mock surrender. “I’ve not had a housekeeper-cooked meal in aaaages”.

He just grinned back at her and shook his head in defeat.

He liked flirting with her.

“I’ll see you Friday.”

***

Now the kitchen smelled of the housekeeper’s delicious casserole fresh from the oven. Etienne set the table loudly, saying the English names for everything as he put them down, while Aine cut some veg for the salad across from Richard on the island.

“That’s fork, Etienne. – forrrk. You’re gonna get me in trouble with your dear ol’ dad if you keep saying it like that. He’ll think I’m training you up for the mob.”

“F-O-R-K,” she over enunciated each letter to the boy and exaggerating her facial expressions.

Etienne laughed. “Aine, you are so weird.”

“Ah, well now, it takes one to know one,” she fired back as she stuck out her tongue and grabbed some mushrooms.

Richard smirked at their banter as he fumbled in a drawer tugging at the corkscrew he needed for the bottle of wine on the counter; the damn thing was tangled in a whisk and some measuring spoons he never used.

“Aine, could you grab some wine glasses please?” Richard asked distractedly. He stopped his loud rummaging with one hand to gesture at the appropriate cupboard, “They’re just ov...”

But she’d remembered where they were kept from their last dinner and already had them in her hands…like she’d done it a hundred times before.

“Here you go Richard,” Aine smiled, placing them down delicately. “Anything else I can do for you?” she teased sweetly.

Richard threw her a look she hadn’t seen from him before, but one she recognized nonetheless. Her insides looped and her mouth went a bit dry.

He raised his eyebrows, and teased suggestively back, “No, no – not at the moment.”

Aine was surprised at his forwardness. It was a new addition to their relationship.

She loved it.

But she still gave him an affronted look, “Cheeeeeky. Richard you cad, Cheeky. You’re going to sully my pure nature if you keep talking like that. I’m an innocent Irish lass, you know.”

He immediately flushed and looked down at his hands but Aine playfully smacked him on the shoulder and smiled.

Etienne looked back and forth between the two of them, shaking his head like they’d lost their minds.

Richard went back to pouring wine and Aine back to chopping veg. The smooth banter had been a welcome comfort. She could get used to this.

But Aine was struck…suddenly…with how routine and domestic and easy it had all just been and…and the sad impermanence of the moment overcame her in a flash. She stared at the chopping board. This wasn’t hers. This wasn’t their life. For a moment it was too much to hope it was real. That she deserved anything like it. That things were finally taking a turn for the better for her.

No. Aine. Stop it. Her own voice rising up and demanding attention.

She was here. He wanted her here. THEY wanted her here. Don’t overthink this Aine. Just give it a damn minute.

Richard looked over at her quizzically, “everything okay?”

Aine cleared her head with a shake, shoring herself up and smiling over at him, “Yes. Yeah, of course, yeah. Just wondering, you know, Richard if you knew why mushrooms were always invited to parties?”

Richard glanced at her sideways as he took out some napkins from the drawer, “I’m sure I don’t know.”

“Because they’re such fun guys! -------------

Get it? Fungis!” She waved a mushroom in front of her, making it dance.

Richard rolled his eyes and grimaced while Etienne looked over at her nonplussed and decidedly unimpressed.

“I don’t get it,” he said very Frenchly.

***

They sat down at the table and Richard cautiously rested his knee against hers. He looked over at her as if to ask permission. In response, Aine looked up from under her lashes and smiled encouragingly; she wasn’t about to move an inch unless it was to get closer to him.

They began dinner, passing around the casserole and salad. Richard poured her a healthy glass of wine as they listened to Etienne excitedly describe what the camera could do on a new iPhone – _“if only I had one Richard,”_ his French accent making his request that much harder for his father to ignore.

“Yeahhh, Richard, if only he haddd one,” Aine chimed in playfully, smiling broadly. “The poor boy here is living his life with the ancient technology of the iPhone 10 --- The 10, Richard! Like a French peasant! Sacré bleu! I might have to call the social worker.”

He turned his head quickly towards her, not sure what she meant. But Aine just winked at him and he relaxed.

“I’m just jokes Richard.”

He responded by chuckling under his breath and rolling his eyes.

Etienne didn’t quite know whose side Aine was on, so he focused his attention back on his dad. Father and son stared each other down across the table, while Etienne’s eyes got bigger and bigger - his bottom lip jutting out farther and farther - eventually clasping his hands in front of him like a poor beggar on a mission.

“Maybe, for my birthday?” Etienne suggested coyly.

Aine couldn’t hold back her laughter. Hoo wee, Richard was done for. She suspected Etienne had performed that trick once or twice before on his mom. The boy was an expert.

Richard looked to Aine for help but she just shrugged, “Looks like you’ve got yourself in a real pickle there Richard.”

He grimaced at her before turning back to Etienne, who had somehow morphed from a 12-year-old young man, into an impossibly big-eyed, animated cat.

Richard was not used to this. He groaned, conceding, “I’ll think about it.”

Etienne smiled sweetly, “Okay, think about it.” He grinned over at Aine looking very pleased with himself.

Poor Richard, Aine thought. Now she knew his weakness too. 

***

As the meal went on, Etienne told them about a new science project he was excited about and Richard explained his work at the publishing house. Aine told them of her classes and the mortifying story of why she’d been late for their first lesson.

They’d all had a laugh until Aine paused, getting a bit more serious. “I want to thank you for giving me a second chance.”

Aine wondered if Richard would give her another if she ever worked up the courage to tell him about her past year and her struggles. She’d have to do that eventually, wouldn’t she? If she wanted to get better and the ache to go away? If she wanted something normal and good? Something relentless in the best possible way. This family? Would he still be interested if he knew what she’d gone through? It was no broken leg.

For the second time that evening she pushed her negative thoughts down, this time her therapist’s advice to live more in the moment ringing in her ears. She was determined to enjoy the night and be here. Now. With them.

She cleared her throat, “I can’t imagine not ever getting to know you both more.”

Richard glanced at his son and then at Aine in response, “Well, I don’t know where we would be without you.”

“We would be bored,” deadpanned Etienne with a grin as he looked up from his plate. Richard laughed and shrugged in agreement.

Aine barked out a laugh – this kid, man. “Bored? What with all the great American novels your dad was bringing home for you to read? Never!”

“I will admit, Harry Potter has been much more our speed.” 

“Your speed? What? Both of yours?” Aine queried Richard, not bothering to hide her suprise.

“Yes,” Etienne replied shyly, “We read…together, sometimes, after dinner.”

Aine’s face lit up as she looked at Richard proudly. He seemed to blush a bit.

“I had meant to tell you…”

“Richard! Etienne! That’s brilliant. Both of you fantastic, really --- well done.” She squeezed his leg under the table, although she would have loved to wrap her arms around him.

Gosh she was proud of them. Her heart was bursting.

“Ah Etienne, no wonder your English has been getting so good! At this rate, you won’t need me soon!” Aine kidded.

“No!” Etienne cut in quite abruptly, a strained silence stretching across the table. “I mean… I want that you’re my teacher Aine.” He looked at Richard pleadingly, worry crossed his young face.

Now it was her turn to blush. She’d only made a silly joke – she hadn’t meant for it all to get so serious. She felt a bit embarrassed.

Richard reached over and squeezed his son’s shoulder. “I think we still need you for a good while yet Aine.”

Etienne nodded determinedly, seemingly relieved, shooting his dad a thankful glance.

“Aine, you’ll stay, yes?” the boy looked at her hopefully.

“Alright, I’ll stay, yes. You’ve twisted my arm.” Aine felt warm and wanted.

Richard smiled at her then looked over at his son, knowing he’d have to talk with him soon about his intentions toward Aine if their relationship progressed like he hoped it would. He’d have to talk to Aine too. Lots of things needed sorting out. But maybe they could just get through this dinner first.

Now it was Aine’s turn to look quizzically at Richard. What was he thinking? She smiled reassuringly at them both in the hopes of returning the atmosphere back to normal.

“So, Etienne,” Aine put her glass down and got very serious, folding her hands on the table. “Now – are you a Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Slytherin, or Ravenclaw?”

She was asking the important questions.

Etienne paused and thought for a moment. “Hmmm.. I don’t know. But I think maybe…..maybe Ravenclaw?

“Ooooh Ravenclaw!” Aine interjected.

“What do you think Richard? What am I?” Etienne looked at Richard shyly, perhaps testing his father, hoping he’d get it right.

Richard looked thoughtfully back at his son, giving the question the time he could sense Etienne thought it deserved. He tilted his head, squinted a bit, and nodded, “I think you’re probably right Etienne.”

He hoped his answer came across genuine and that he hadn’t just copied it from Aine. He’d actually thought about it earlier when they’d reached that point in the book. “Ravenclaw suits you.”

Etienne smiled broadly at his father, “Yes, I think you are right!”

Aine could burst she was so happy to have witnessed the exchange. There was hope for these two yet!

***

At the end of dinner, Etienne excused himself to watch TV in the next room. While Richard and Aine kept talking, her chair migrated a little closer to his, and at some point he’d taken her hand in his; turning it over absently and stroking her fingers while they talked.

It was all Aine could do to concentrate on the conversation.

***

It was getting late when he walked her to the door. Etienne had come back into the room to say his goodbyes and Richard had asked that he clean up the kitchen before he went up to bed.

Out of sight of the kitchen and of young eyes, Richard hesitantly lingered a kiss on her cheek, clearing his throat and shuffling a step closer – reaching out to gently hold both her arms. Aine’s hand rested on the top button of his cardigan – hooking but not pulling - both of them vaguely aware of Etienne noisily loading the dishwasher in the other room.

It was nice. Breathing each other in. Her hand slipped to his chest in the lightest of touches as their cheeks brushed and their foreheads met and rested against one another’s.

God it felt good.

“Aine…”

A particularly loud bang broke the spell and the whole slow-motion scene was over before it had even begun.

“Desolee!” – shouted Etienne from the kitchen.

Richard winced, drawing back abruptly and looking down at her, “There goes Nan’s china”.

Aine giggled at his joke. Either she was getting better at recognizing them, or he was getting better at making them, she didn’t quite know, but it was endearing as hell when he tried.

She wanted him to keep trying.

But with the moment having passed. They stood in silence for half a beat, just enough time for Aine to allow her doubt and uncertainty to once again flood her headspace.

“Well then, that’s a cue if I ever heard one!”- Aine’s humour mask well and firmly back in place. “Best be on me way. Can’t let you be getting sick of me now, eh Richard?” she joked.

But he just stared back at her, hands now in his pockets, rocking lightly on his feet. He smiled softly at her and shook his head – looking down at his shoes - in a quiet voice, “Impossible”.


	3. Comfort.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aine and Richard get a little closer.

**It felt like a massive shift was coming and the world as everyone knew it was ending.**

They’d texted quite a bit on the weekend over the growing concerns around the pandemic, but neither had mentioned their after-dinner moment. Something different…something global…was in the air. 

Aine could sense Richard was worried about Etienne and on Sunday night as she was getting ready for bed, her phone buzzed again with a message from him.

“Maybe you can stay after again tomorrow for coffee? 

Aine was typing her answer when another text from him came in. 

“If you’re not busy, of course.”

Aine smiled but rolled her eyes. What plans did she have? Boy was Richard going to be surprised when he found out about the bangin’ social life she most decidedly did not have. Besides, she didn’t really want to be anywhere else. She was going to have to make that clearer for him. 

She texted back quickly, “I’ll be there xx”

***

While Etienne played Mario Party in his room upstairs, Richard and Aine found themselves in the kitchen talking over tea.

Richard was leaning against the island, one hand pinching his brow as he sighed. Fear constricted his chest, the thought of not being able to access an overwhelmed NHS for Etienne if the need arose gripped his heart in an unfamiliar and surprising way.

Fuck. Was this what they meant by parenting being hard?

He’d never had anyone he had to protect before. No one had ever needed him before.

That fear…that fear was for Aine too - if he were being honest with himself. The sudden realization weighed heavy on his shoulders. 

She could tell he was agitated. A first-time father thrown into parenting as a pandemic loomed? How could he not be freaking the fuck out? 

Aine put down her mug and came to his side, resting her hand on his and rubbing it softly. Richard’s shoulders came down a fraction from around his ears as he stared down at her hand, noticing a freckle just in the crook of her thumb.

He slowly let out the breath he didn’t know he’d been holding. 

She squeezed his arm through his sweater. “Hey, Richard, hey. Look at me,” her voice uncharacteristically soft and quiet.

He squinted his eye over at her, the lines in his face deepening. 

“Richard love, it’s going to be okay,” Her comforting Irish easily slipping its way in as she took his other hand and turned him to face her.

“It will be, I just know it……I know everything Richard, I’m Irish” – she gently joked, but he barely smirked at her.

Aine stepped closer and moved both her hands up to rub the sides of his shoulders. She looked at him with concern in her eyes, pleading with him to listen, “Okay Richard? – Etienne will be fine.” 

He relaxed another fraction of an inch as their eyes met and she hesitantly moved to stroke his temple.

This was uncharted territory. Intimate. Necessary.

“I’ll………….I will be fine”.

She didn’t know if she should have said that. To assume he was thinking of her too – but it felt like maybe he needed to hear it.

He turned then completely to really look at her. 

She gazed back at him, willing him to believe that it was going to be okay.

A beat. Two.

And then he kissed her. 

Just like that. He plunged forward, both hands gripping the sides of her face. His mouth tender and firm at the same time – Two seconds. Three. She was kissing him back. Four. Her hands gripping his shirt at his chest. Five. The world fell away and everything snapped into place. Six.

He released her and stepped back, breathing heavy, an imperceptible shake of his head. 

“Shit, I’m sorry, that was presumptuous…that was….it’s all… _this_ ” gesturing helplessly around him and looking at her with a mix of longing and pain, his arms falling heavy at his sides. 

This is not how he’d hoped it would be. He wanted to take her out on a proper date. Wine. Candles. A walk hand-in-hand on the south bank. 

Instead it was, Tea. Stress. Vulnerability. And his kitchen. 

Fuck. Did he ruin it? Fuck.

Aine stood there flushed. A thousand feelings threatening to overwhelm her. He’d just kissed her. Like really, really kissed her. And she had more than returned the favour.

What was he saying? Sorry? What? Sorry for the kiss? Oh hell no.

Now it was her turn to step forward. Taking _his_ head in her hands this time, she brought him down to tenderly graze his forehead with her lips. She looked into his eyes, threading her hands into his hair at the back of his head.

She wanted him to know that she was here for him. That she’d be there if he needed her. That holy ever loving fuck that kiss was everything she’d wanted. The empty well in her chest bubbled up. 

“Richard. Hey. What’s this? Silly goose. Don’t be sorry. Don’t be, okay?” Her hands tighter in his hair but she wasn’t getting through to him.

He sighed and let out a soft groan, his eyes fell to the floor. Fuck. 

“I don’t…I didn’t want it to be like this,” he anguished. He cleared his throat, “maybe you’re not…maybe I’m too.”, he trailed off staring intently at the ground. 

Aine was desperate. What was this man thinking? Maybe she’s not what? He’s too what? Had he not felt her respond to him? 

“Richard…hey again. Hey”….. She grabbed his shoulders and gave a little shake, needing to make him understand.

She punctuated each word slowly, “You have my permission to do that ANY time you want……”

His eyes jerked up to hers. “What?”

Aine had him. “I mean maybe not right after a slab of garlic bread, you know.” 

She grinned and winked at him, trying to lighten the mood before moving forward to kiss him firmly on the mouth.

A beat. Two.

She pulled back before she lost herself - flushed and breathless again in the short moment. She cleared her throat and blushed a little, “yeah…ahemm…but, otherwise….you know…any time.”

They stood there together in the kitchen after that last kiss for what seemed like ages until Etienne came bounding down asking when dinner would be ready. 

Aine looked at Richard and winked as she grabbed her bag and jacket from the chair. 

They were both keenly aware that their relationship was changing. Had changed. 

Aine got halfway down the block, fairly skipping with happiness before she stopped In her tracks, realizing with a heavy sigh that she’d have to tell him soon. They couldn’t go on like this – it wasn’t fair to him, or to Etienne. Shit. Shit. Shit. 

But everything was kind of perfect for right now. Well you know, not perfect perfect – there was a global pandemic looming.

She wanted to hold onto this for just a little longer.


	4. Crash

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Quarantine for everyone!

**By Wednesday the country was officially in mandatory lockdown. It had happened so fast. Overnight, really. By the end of day Tuesday it was official. No one would be back at work the next day if they weren’t an essential service.**

Aine had spent most of Wednesday in frenzied transition, passing long hours in exhausting zoom meetings with her colleagues trying to figure out how they would transition their lessons online so they could still provide for their students and all keep their jobs. The sudden change and uncertainty and stress were doing her head in. 

And to top it all off, Aine had just gotten off the phone with her boss. One of her students had been admitted to hospital with the virus and that the hospital had strongly suggested quarantine for anyone who had come in contact with them. He was calling to tell her that her whole class had been asked to start confining themselves tonight.

Fuck…Quarantine?

Shit just got even realer. 

Thank God Bradley had been out of the country on business the past month and was already a week into his own quarantine at his mum and dad’s when the lockdown went into effect. At least she didn’t have to worry about him and sharing their apartment. 

But damn if there weren’t other things to worry about. 

She could feel the start of a tension headache coming round the back of her neck and up behind her eyes. She tried to rub the pain away, but it wasn’t abating. She thought of her students and their families, and wondered if any of them needed help. Help she couldn’t give.

Fuck.

She couldn’t even leave her apartment now. Did she have enough food in the fridge? How was she going to do this all alone? She felt her breath escalating so she sat down at the kitchen table with her head between her knees and breathed through it. 

Slowly in and out. In and out. In and out.

Her phone rang on the table beside her. Aine lifted her head to see Shona’s face light up the screen. 

Shit. This wasn’t going to go down well. 

Aine hadn’t seen Shona since the night of her big networking event nearly two weeks ago. Something was going on, but her sister had been infuriatingly tight-lipped, even dodging a few of Aine’s calls.

She wished Shona would tell her at least some of her problems so she wouldn’t feel like she was always the one having to be looked after. It would be a refreshing change to their usual dynamic. 

Aine had really wanted to tell Shona all about what had happened between her and Richard – the dinner…the kiss – even though she knew her sister would be worried she was jumping in too fast. But between Shona acting shady and well, the pandemic - the conversation hadn’t happened.

Aine picked up the phone. 

They’d argued. 

Shona had called to invite Aine to come stay at her apartment but with Aine’s new situation, that wasn’t a possibility. Her sister had barraged her with questions. 

What if Aine got sick? It wasn’t good to be by herself for God-knows-how-long! And what would it do for her recovery if she couldn’t go for her walks (that Shona hadn’t even bloody wanted her to take, ironically). How was she going to work? What about her students? What was her plan?

God. 

She loved her sister dearly, but their conversation had made Aine’s headache even worse. In the end, what could Aine do? She would have liked to stay with Shona, but after all her sister had done for her this past year, she wasn’t about to drag her potentially-infected arse into her home. 

She’d finally managed to convince Shona that she was better off in her own space – at least until she was sure she was okay. She reassured her she had more than enough to keep her busy with her work and students. 

Aine hung up the phone and rubbed her temples. She felt as though she were putting out fires right and left and making no progress. Appeasing Shona. Sorting her classes. Figuring out fucking zoom - And all the while feeling like she wasn’t getting anywhere. And now to be stuck in her apartment for the next two weeks! And maybe she was sick on top of it all. Fuck – she hadn’t even let her mind go to what that might mean yet. 

Aine headed to the kitchen. She needed a drink.

She needed Richard. 

They’d sent a few texts back and forth since Monday after their kiss. God that seemed so long ago. Another lifetime really. Before the world went wonky - but it had just been 2 days - and they hadn’t spoken since she’d left him that afternoon. Only one text yesterday night to cancel her lessons with Etienne for the rest of the week. 

Aine sucked in a breath.

FUCK. THE KISS. 

Richard. 

Etienne. 

She would have exposed them too!

No no no. She started to panic.

She fumbled for her phone and dialed his number. Richard picked up immediately.

“Aine” he answered, a mix of relief and worry tinged his voice. 

She didn’t know quite what happened but just the sound of his voice saying her name broke her a bit. The stress of the last two days reaching a tipping point. 

“Richard…I”, her voice cracked and she let out an involuntary sob.

“Aine, what is it, what’s wrong? --- AINE!?” His concern poured through the phone as he anxiously awaited her answer.

“I’m s...s...orry Richard.” Aine struggled to pull herself together. She wiped her eyes and sat down on the sofa. “I’m okay. Just….Whooooooo,” she let out a long breath, steadying herself.

“What’s going on? Aine, please.”

Aine took another deep breath, “Richard, I… one of my students is in hospital. I was exposed. Just, just last week. I’m now in quarantine, I guess…tonight… in my apartment. I’m so sorry, I just found out.”

More sobs threatened in her throat as she relayed what her boss had told her earlier and assured him that she had no symptoms – that she was feeling fine. “But that means you and Etienne might have been...”

“Aine…Aine, it’s okay. I was just about to call you too.”

“You were?”

“Yes. A boy in Etienne’s school is suspected of having it. It’s not a high risk and Etienne has no symptoms but we’re going into quarantine too – just to be safe. And now…now it just makes more sense to do so.”

Aine couldn’t decide if that was good news or bad, but she breathed a little easier, silent tears rolling down her face. 

“We’re fine. We’re okay. Just, you know, it’s a lot.” Richard did his best to ease her fears. 

She sniffled, “I was so scared. I’m so sorry.”

“Hey, it’s okay. It’s a weird time. No one knows what’s going on” Richard’s voice was soft and warm. 

“You okay?” It was his turn now to comfort her. He paused, “I wish, I wish I could be there with you right now.”

“Yeah?” Her voice hopeful, “I wish you could be here too.” She wiped her eyes and grabbed a tissue. She really wanted to be sitting in his kitchen right now. Better yet, she wanted him beside her on the sofa…in one of his sweaters. Instead she curled her legs up and hugged her knees close as she settled into the cushions.

“Do you, um, wanna just talk for a while?” Aine didn’t want to hang up the phone – she wanted to hear his voice.

“Yeah, yes. Okay. Etienne’s in bed reading.”

They began sorting through their fears and questions. Richard was worried about supervising Etienne’s assignments but Aine said he could call her anytime with any questions he or Etienne might have. Richard was grateful. He shared some of his fears of connecting with Etienne and was worried quarantine would set them back. He wasn’t sure how to parent during normal times - how the fuck was he going to do it now? 

Aine just listened. It wasn’t her place to give her opinion and he hadn’t asked for it – Richard seemed content with her just being on the other end of the phone to hear him out. She reassured him he wasn’t alone. She was just a phone call away if something was bothering him and he needed to talk. 

She told him of her worries about keeping her job and the plan her school was coming up with and how Shona was going to drop off her groceries for the next 2 weeks. He was getting theirs delivered as needed, and thankfully could do his work from home pretty easily. 

They set up some new timings for her now-online lessons with Etienne the following week and Aine hesitantly suggested they could maybe in the evenings…all of three of them…do a Netflix watch party for each Harry Potter movie after they’d finished every book.

Richard liked the idea after she’d explained what a watch party was. He would have to actually get Netflix though, but he didn’t mind. Etienne had been bugging him about that for a while now. Richard liked the thought of the three of them “hanging out” – even if it was half virtual. 

Before either of them realized, it had gotten quite late. Aine yawned and said she needed to get to bed. 

Richard repeated what he’d said at the beginning of their conversation, “I wish I could be there with you right now.”

Turning off the lights behind her as she walked to her bedroom smiling, “Yeah? I wish you were here too.” 

Aine sat down on her bed and sighed sweetly, “Goodnight Richard.” 

“Goodnight Aine.”


	5. Anguish

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Richard makes an offer.

**Would these two weeks never end? Aine felt so drained.**

She’d somehow managed to still be working, even taking on some more private clients from the school online. About two-thirds of her quarantined class were meeting online daily, having paid for the term already, so she was busier than ever. However, the tried and true lessons she’d used for years had to all either be thrown out or revamped to suit a virtual format. She spent most evenings sorting through textbooks and searching online for ideas on how to adapt everything. She was so exhausted.

Her sick student was still in hospital but seemed to be over the worst – and Aine wasn’t showing any symptoms at all --- thankfully neither were Etienne or Richard.

Aine was grateful – she knew others had it much, much worse. But still, this new normal and uncertainty were hard. Rehab hadn’t prepared her to cope in the middle of a global emergency.

She just wanted to go for a walk and get out for a bit. Her apartment had no balcony and an enticing view of an alley, and her upstairs neighbour, she was sure, had actually morphed into an elephant. Aine had her windows open and a scarf and jumper on most days, just to let some fresh air circulate a bit so she didn’t feel so suffocated.

It was difficult not being around anyone – hell, it had been difficult without friends _before_ quarantine – now it was even harder. She missed her students. Missed people – missed touch. She would, hand to God, even take being groped in rush hour on the tube over being cooped up any longer in her apartment.

And she missed her sister. They’d spoken pretty regularly over the last week, once when she’d dropped off groceries, but it was mostly about just surface-y stuff. Aine still hadn’t told her about Richard. She really did not want to give Shona another reason to lecture her. Selfishly, she needed it to be just her and Richard for a little while longer – to figure each other, and their relationship out a bit more before outside influences could…well…influence.

And to be honest, Aine could tell her sister was going through something and she didn’t want to complicate things. Every time Aine asked about Vish, Shona would change the subject. They hadn’t gone into isolation together which frankly, Aine was baffled at, so what on earth was going on? Shona had given her a bullshit line about how living together had to be on her own terms and not because of a global emergency, but Aine wasn’t buying it.

She didn’t feel like pressing the matter. If Shona wasn’t going to let her in, then she was going to mind her own business and focus on getting through this twilight zone herself. I mean, she was doing okay - pretty good all things considered actually - but some moments it all threatened to overwhelm her and it was all she could do to keep it together.

In lieu of therapy, Aine had attended a few free webinars on maintaining your mental health during the pandemic. They were okay – she got a few tips she was finding helpful, but she was sad not to be able to continue talking with her therapist. She just didn’t feel stable enough long-term at work to be spending money right now. And truthfully, her nightly conversations with Richard, on top of their Harry Potter reading sessions with Etienne, were the things that seemed to be doing the most for her well being.

***

It was Sunday night, which meant 3 more days until their quarantine ended on Wednesday.

Aine could scream she was so excited. She was so looking forward to a daily walk and getting her own groceries. And maybe…maybe Richard and Etienne would come to the park near her house sometimes so she could see them without taking transit. They’d still have to social distance, but it could be something.

A hopeful Aine crawled into bed and dialled Richard’s number to see what he thought about her idea. They’d fallen into a habit of talking each other to sleep, or just watching something “together” on Netflix until they couldn’t keep their eyes open anymore.

They’d both been too stressed and exhausted to escalate their conversations to anything more than PG. It felt weird – and like, too hard – excuse the pun; like a harsh reminder that they couldn’t actually touch each other for a long, long time still. They were still building intimacy – just maybe not in the way Aine had started any relationship before…ever. She thought her therapist would probably like that. Shona too.

Richard picked up on the fifth ring a bit breathless, “Sorry – I was playing a video game with Etienne. I had to finish losing.”

Aine was surprised, “What? Wow. Richard. A video game? What will the Book Gods say?”

Richard chuckled, “I know, I know, my punishment will be having to read Fifty Shades of Grey over and over for eternity…I shudder to think.”

Aine gasped in mock outrage, “Richard! How dare you!”

Richard sighed, “I, uh, I take it you’re a big fan then?”

“Do you mean, am I a fan of the _esteemed_ three-part masterpiece that has kept me and my vibrator company many a lonely night?”

Richard coughed. Aine could fairly feel his face turning red on the other end of the phone.

“Uh…ahem…I didn’t mean…I”

Aine giggled, letting him sweat it out for a bit.

“Ah Richard, you’re too easy man!”

Richard didn’t respond right away, letting the silence hang. Aine wondered if maybe she’d overstepped. Just as she was about to apologize, he spoke, his voice low and husky and deliberate.

“It’s not nice to tease a man in quarantine Aine.”

She gulped a bit as he said her name. Fuck. He kept doing that. Her stomach did a little flip. What had happened to the awkward Richard of a moment ago? Now it was her turn without words.

She laughed nervously, not used to their dynamic swapping so suddenly. I mean, she wasn’t complaining. It was…interesting… to see that side of Richard.

She stuttered a bit, “I, uh..”

Richard chuckled, “Now who’s the easy one?”

“Hey! Who you callin’ easy?” Aine relaxed and retorted with a laugh. He was always surprising her.

“You free to chat?” She was anxious to see what he thought about their socially-distanced park dates.

“Um, yeah I just want to make sure he’s turned off the game and is actually going to bed. Keeping a routine has been a challenge lately. Can I facetime you in 10 minutes?

“Yes, yeah of course. I’ll be waiting.”

***

Aine was proud of Richard for his progress with Etienne and she had praised him about it just last night. They’d been facetiming and she’d detected a slight blush. He had really been trying and she could see the change in them both. Richard had been helping him with homeschooling, reading to him, nightly dinners - It was so, so nice to see.

And if she was being completely transparent. It was hot. Surprisingly hot. Good dad Richard was sexy as fuck.

She’d taken a deep breath and told him so. He blushed deeper and she’d chuckled. The silence had drawn out a bit – neither of them knowing where to go with that over the phone. So Aine had said she just felt he should know, you know, lest he think the comfortable groove they’d gotten into was like, a friend zone or something.

“Wouldn’t want to think that, would we?” Richard’s voice low and earnest.

A pause.

“I don’t want to just be your friend Aine.”

Fu-uck. She was done for.

“Neither do I, Richard, neither do I.” She smiled at him. “It’s just hard, you know, trying to start something… and um…being apart.”

“Yeah, I know, I feel it too.” Richard hesitated. “But we’re doing okay, right? You don’t want to uh...stop…or anything do you?”

Aine gave him a withering through the screen that had made him chuckle a bit.

“Just, uh, checking, you know – I don’t want to stop either.”

Aine was firm,“No, no stopping.”

***

Richard called back like he said he would. She snuggled under the covers and told him her idea of maybe going for walks together after they both got out of quarantine. It was done for them both on Wednesday but with work being still a bit full on, maybe Saturday could be their day to do their allotted hour of exercise together.

Richard listened but didn’t say anything. He looked strained, his brow creasing together.

Aine felt a wave of panic. She sat up straight. Had she said something wrong? Maybe it was too soon.

“Aine” Richard cleared his throat. “I was thinking about our conversation last night. And, um, I don’t think…I don’t think I want to do that.”

Aine’s heart dropped and her face fell. “Oh. Um. Okay, I just thought…”

Richard’s eyes widened as he realized his poor choice of words.

“Shit. No. I’m sorry, Aine, that didn’t come out right. That’s not what I meant.” He scrambled to rectify his gaffe.

Aine squeezed her eyes shut and pinched the bridge of her nose. “Richard. What are you doing to me?”

“I’m sorry. I mean. I just….I think…” He stumbled over his words, clearly nervous.

“Richard, if you’re having second thoug...”

**_“I think you should come be in lockdown with us”_** He interrupted her, blurting it all out in one long breath.

Aine sat in shock. She couldn’t…didn’t know what to say.

Richard continued quickly without stopping, “I mean, I still have to talk to Etienne, but I can’t…I don’t want to do this without you. Who knows how long it’s going to be like this. Some people are talking 6 months to a year – maybe more. That’s too…that’s too long Aine…I can’t.”

He looked at her hesitantly and waited a beat. “Aine? What do you think?”

She still couldn’t answer.

“I know. I’m sorry. I know it’s a lot. But maybe you could think about it? You don’t have to tell me right now. I just had to ask, you know… because.”

So many thoughts were swirling through Aine’s head before she finally managed to squeak something out.

“Wow. Richard…Wow. I…That’s…wow, I don’t know what to say.”

She was so overwhelmed with emotion, tears welled up in her eyes. Aine was so conflicted, wanting to say yes to his offer, but overcome with the realization that she’d been using the pandemic as an excuse not to tell him about her past. She hadn’t meant to keep it from him. There had just seemed more important things in their lives to get through recently. And now…now this lovely man was offering her something she’d been wanting for so long deep down. The solution to the ache she’d been feeling – and she couldn’t even accept.

Richard cleared his throat, “And there’s something else. Before you, before you make any decisions.”

Aine stayed quiet, she didn’t know what else there could be. Didn’t know if she could handle any more.

“God I hope…I hope this doesn’t come across the wrong way….but um, you saw how Etienne reacted to the possibility of you leaving at dinner the other night? –I think….I do think Etienne needs you in his life, Aine.”

“Why…why would that come across the wrong way?” She was genuinely confused as to where this was all going.

Richard seemed nervous as he continued.

“Because it’s true. He needs you…But I don’t want you to ever feel that…uh… that I want you in my life _for_ Etienne…I mean, I do. I do. You bring out the best in him and have helped him so much and….and how could I not want that for him, you know? After all he’s been through.”

Richard continued on hurriedly, still anxious, before Aine could say anything.

“But that’s…Aine, that is not my primary motivation for…me, uh wanting you…in our lives.”

“I don’t think th…” Aine tried cutting in but Richard was determined.

“Because I know that I tried passing off my responsibilities as a father…as a parent…to you before...and that was wrong of me. I’m not looking to shirk anything – or for you to take over and let me off the hook. I never thought I’d be a father – or _want_ to be one – but, yet…here we are.”

Aine’s heart was melting but Richard continued on.

“So I guess what I’m saying is that…I’m being selfish here. That the reason I want to be with you – to have you come stay with us – is not to do a job. In case that ever was a suspicion for you. When I say Etienne needs you in his life – that’s…I don’t want you to doubt or second-guess my incentives for saying that, okay? You came into our lives because of Etienne, but I want you to stay for both of us…for me. I want you for you.” I need you to know that – before you, um, make your decision.”

“Okay.” She said softly, not sure she could trust herself to speak.

“Okay?”

“Yes, Richard. I hear you.” Aine was overwhelmed with feelings. That he could be so considerate. That he had been worried she thought he was with her for those reasons. But she felt so guilty for not having told him of her tumultuous year and therefore making this moment incredibly bittersweet.

“Richard. I’ll think about it. You know, I never thought…you thought that – that you were using me for Etienne or anything. I never thought that.” It was all she could say.

But Richard wasn’t done yet.

“I’m sorry Aine. I’ve been trying to figure out how to say all this for a while now – this one last thing. I just…if this is all too much, I get it. Etienne and I…we’re a package deal and that’s…a lot. So it’s okay if it’s not what you want. If you don’t want that role…I mean, you’re young…you’re beautiful…you could…”

Why was he making this so hard? In normal times, if she were normal, this is where she would have jumped into his arms and kissed all his worries away.

“I just…just need to be sure – I can’t mess with Etienne. He needs…stability.”

But instead of being able to soothe his fears, Aine breathed a heavy sigh. There it was. Stability. All she wanted was to tell Richard she wasn’t going anywhere. The man had basically poured his heart out to her. Laid himself vulnerable. Spoken more words at once than she’d ever heard him say before.

He needed stability. To tell him if she couldn’t give it.

She took a deep breath. “Richard. Oh, boy. There’s so many things I want to say.”

He looked distraught.

“If I were with you now, I’d wrap my arms around you and never let you go, okay?

“You would?” His face relaxed a bit before he looked at her confused. “But, what’s the?....It’s too much isn’t it? I scared you off?”

“No. No. No. Richard. No. Look at me. No, you haven’t scared me off – just the opposite, in fact.” She really needed him to hear that.

“But…just like you’ve been trying to say all these things to me for a while. I’ve also had some things to share that I….that I haven’t yet. So I can’t say yes yet. Although I want to say yes so, so badly Richard.”

“You do?”

Aine looked at him and broke a little. She weighed her options. Fuck it.

“Richard. Of course I do! You and Etienne are the most important men in my life, okay? I want to make you breakfast on Sundays, and get a puppy, and argue over where we should go on vacation, and whose turn it is to walk Covie – the puppy, you know?…And I want to act out all the dirty bits of 50 Shades of Grey with you and drag you to at least one club before you’re 75. And…and I want to watch Etienne grow up. I want it all Richard. I want it all.”

By the time she finished, tears were streaming down her anguished face. She wiped them away with the back of her hand.

Richard took it all in. His expression softening, but sad. He bit his lip. “But..but you can’t say yes?”

“No, because when I tell you Richard - it won’t be my decision, it’ll be yours.”

“Aine,” Richard sounded pained as he breathed out heavily. “What...what are you talking about? There’s nothing you could…”

“Richard” she interrupted before he could finish that sentence. “I… I don’t want you to…there are some things you need to know about me that I haven’t felt comfortable sharing with you yet. Things that might make you…rethink…us…And, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I can’t tell you tonight.”

“What, Aine – why? What is it?”

She needed time. Time to properly think about how she was going to phrase it all. How she’d present it honestly – Time to steel her heart against the worst possible outcome. She just needed a few days. The rest of her life depended on it.

“Richard please - I need to get my head together. Know that I meant every single thing I said to you tonight. Everything. I just need, a bit of time to figure out how to…say it all to you. Is…is that okay? Can you give me that?”

Richard looked at her through the phone, trying to figure her out. He was worried, “Aine, you need to tell me that you’re okay – I can’t agree to time if you’re in danger – or…”

“Richard. I promise you. I _promise you_ I’m okay. I wouldn’t lie to you. Cross my heart. Can you give me til Wednesday? I’ll tell you everything then.”

“Okay. Wednesday. ---- And Aine?”

“Yeah?”

“You can tell me anything.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry - I made a mistake with days so had to go back in and edit the timeline a bit.


	6. Truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aine reveals her past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Folks, this was hardddddd. I could have fiddled with it for hours. And truthfully I don't know if it fits in with the characters or what's been said on the show - I didn't have time to watch it again to make sure. And the timeline was already fudged soooooooo.....And I have no idea how to write a monologue so if punctuation is distracting or confusing I'm sorry. :( Ah well. I hope it works for you. <3

**The waiting was killing him.**

Richard picked up his phone Wednesday around lunchtime – hesitated, and then texted.

“I miss you.”

Her reply came a moment later. Richard tapped the table impatiently as he watched the bubbles on his phone indicate she was typing.

“Tonight? Facetime. 9pm?”

Richard’s shoulders slumped a fraction. No return of endearment that had become a part of their regular correspondence? No funny GIF? He sighed. She was undoubtedly feeling anxious about their talk.

He replied, “Of course. xx”

He put down the phone and rubbed his eyes. What could she possibly have to say that she would think would make him not want to be with her? He hadn’t felt this way about anyone before. He should have made that clearer…would have – had they not been forced apart.

Richard needed a cup of tea. He went about the motions as his thoughts took over.

He recognized they made no sense, he did. She was light and fun and open and nurturing. He was serious and stoic and awkward and contained. But somehow, they fit. Somehow, none of their differences mattered. Despite the bumpy beginning they were finding their rhythym. Yes it was fast - they were moving fast, but he hadn’t had a son 4 months ago – or a fucking pandemic shaking the world’s foundations. He was getting used to life spinning at a faster pace lately.

And, well… he just…just wanted more.

Richard paused as he lifted the kettle, that last word ringing in his head - More.

More.

Yes, he was sure. He was totally sure.

He could hardly recognize himself anymore; so much had changed for him. So much had shifted from the life he once had – he sometimes wondered if time before Etienne and Aine had been much of anything at all.

He had found success in his career. Owned property. Knew about wine. Went to dinner parties. Was well-travelled - And all those things were wonderful and rewarding in many ways – but at the end of the day, he had always come home to an empty house. It hadn’t bothered him.

But looking back, he hadn’t really known how lonely he’d been. Hadn’t realized how unfulfilled he’d felt. How closed off from the world he’d let himself be.

His phone buzzed.

“I miss you too.”

Relief.

Richard banged his hand on the table, surprising even himself.

He’d be damned if he was going to lose her.

There was absolutely no way they were going to have this conversation over the phone.

It was their last day of quarantine.

He’d asked for her address once when she first started tutoring – for the life of him he couldn’t remember what for – that was another lifetime ago it seemed. He knew the general area where she lived – it wasn’t far. He quickly searched his emails, finding it in no time.

He began to second-guess himself. He should do this right? He should go? Would she be upset that he just showed up? He really wanted to see her. He hoped she might feel the same.

Richard paced his kitchen. Fuck it. If what she had to say could potentially end everything – then it needed to be done face to face. It was important. He was going. 

***

“Etienne! Can you come here please?” Richard called up from the bottom of the stairs as he put his jacket and shoes on.

Etienne appeared and started to make his way down.

“Etienne. I need to go and see a friend.”

The boy paused midstep, “Oh. But…what about quarantine?”

“Well…we’re technically finished so I think…I think it’s okay. They…my friend…was also in quarantine so there is little risk. It’s…it’s important Etienne.”

“Okay.”

Richard nodded his head.

“Right. Good. Okay – if you promise me you will not leave this house or answer this door for anyone – ANYONE - I will let you play Mario Party all day on Saturday.”

Etienne’s eyes lit up, “All day? No bothering?”

Richard chuckled, “All day. No bothering. One time only.”

“Deal.”

“Promise? No leaving the house…no turning on the oven! And no opening the door to anyone who isn’t me. You got it?”

Etienne rolled his eyes as he passed Richard on the stairs, “Yesss. I got it…Promise. Can I have popcorn?”

Richard eyed his son. “Fine. I won’t be gone too long. An hour or two maybe. And it’s bed when I get back. Clear?”

Etienne was already heading to the kitchen, smiling, calling over his shoulder - “CLEAR.”

***

It was 9pm and Richard was standing outside her apartment complex entrance. He clenched and unclenched his fists. God, he was nervous. All his earlier doubts came flooding back. What if she didn’t want to see him? Was this overstepping? Was this the right decision?

He gave his head a shake. He was here. There was no turning back now. He needed to see her.

He held his breath as he dialled her number, waiting until her face appeared on screen.

Aine answered on the fourth ring. “Hi…wait…where are you? Are you in your garden?”

“I’m…uh…” Richard cleared his throat. “At yours.”

“You’re what? Here? Now? Outside? Richard what are you?…How did you?”

“Can you just buzz me in please?”

“Richard.” Aine’s voice was wary.

“I know Aine, I know. I should have told you. But quarantine is over. I don’t want to have this conversation over the phone. Please.”

There was a pause. Richard held his breath for the second time.

Finally the door buzzed. Here it goes.

***

By the time he made it to her floor, Aine had her door open and was leaning against her door jamb with her arms folded. Her face unreadable. She watched him walk up to her.

“Hi,” he smiled.

“Hi.”

“Can I…can I come in?”

She eyed him guardedly. There was no jokey remark. Just tired eyes.

Aine sighed and moved to let him in.

“Wash your hands.”

Richard made his way into the apartment, taking off his jacket and placing it on the back of a chair. The kitchen table had become her “office” - her laptop perched on a breadbox for the perfect Zoom angle - her textbooks and lesson plans neatly stacked to the side. A mug with _“thnx 4 beeing a gr8 inglush teecher, xx”_ written on it still held the remnants of her last coffee. He smiled as he passed; it occurring to him that the geography of their relationship up to that point had been decidedly one-sided. Being in her apartment felt like another layer of intimacy.

Richard finished washing up in the kitchen sink and used a tea towel to dry his hands.

She hadn’t said anything to him yet. The silence not awkward, but not quite comfortable either.

He turned to look at Aine, who was standing at the edge of the kitchen in leggings, an oversized hoodie, and mis-matched fuzzy socks. She looked adorable…and a bit distraught, biting the inside of her lip and picking at some imaginary lint on her thigh.

All Richard wanted to do was wrap his arms around her. But instead he just moved a bit closer.

“Aine. I promise It’s going to be okay.”

“Ah Richard you can’t promise things like that. You don’t know.” She wouldn’t quite meet his eyes.

He moved closer still, until he could reach out and gently tug the bottom of her sweater.

“Aine.” He looked down at her. After so long apart, being this close felt overwhelmingly good.

He could tell she was wrestling with what to do.

Another two tugs on her sweater. His voice quieter - gentler, “Aine…………………Please.”

She stopped resisting with a quiet sob- lunging forward to bury her head in his shoulder and put her arms around his waist. He encircled her immediately - holding on tightly – wanting to make her feel safe and secure.

He kissed her hair and rested his head against hers.

They stood there - just wrapped up in each other – the past few weeks of stress and being apart subsiding.

Aine finally stepped back a fraction, wiping tears from her face.

“I’ve…I’ve got your jumper wet.”

Richard took her face in his hands and kissed her forehead, wiping her tears away with his thumbs. 

“Nevermind that.”

He grabbed her hand and guided her over to the sofa.

“Come on.”

She sat down on the cushions and he took a seat across from her on the edge of the coffee table.

“Tell me, Aine,” he said softly resting his arms on his knees, leaning in close.

***

Aine buried her face in her hands for a moment before she looked at Richard.

She saw his kind eyes and the concern in his brow and gathered her strength.

“Right, Okay.”

Aine cleared her throat and began.

“About eight months or so ago, I was in...in a relationship. We were going on two years and I thought you know, maybe he was…maybe he was the one. I thought he, uh, I thought he loved me."

Aine softly shook her head, chastising herself inwardly for her stupidity. 

“And I um…I fell pregnant.”

“And…I was over the moon Richard. I was going to be a mother – right all the wrongs mine made with me – maybe get married to this man - do all the things you’re supposed to do…that really, I guess…I guess I wanted to do.”

She paused to quickly glance up at Richard, trying to read his expression. He looked back at her calmly, still open and willing to listen.

“I was so excited to tell him too, you know? Shona didn’t even… _doesn’t_ …even know. It was going to be our little secret for a while.”

“But, um….before I could tell him… he broke up with me. Just out of the blue – pretty casually actually – like we hadn’t been in a committed two-year relationship. He, uh, said he wanted to see other people.”

Aine stared at a spot on the floor in the distance.

“I remember everything kind of…crashing in on itself – all my dreams of having a family – thinking I had found the right person…just *POOF*. I lost someone I had loved -that I thought had loved me back. Just. Done.”

Aine took a big breath, letting it out slowly.

“And then, that night, the night he ended it…I….I had a miscarriage.”

“It was so scary Richard. I was devastated. I was….” squeezed her eyes shut and hugged her arms tightly around her stomach, almost as if she were feeling the pain all over again.

Aine took a long pause and breathed deeply.

Richard sat silently, his heart breaking for her. He fought the urge to comfort her – knowing she wasn’t done yet.

Aine fought back tears, pursing her lips, “It was…not good Richard. For a week I could barely eat or sleep. I didn’t think I could love something so much.”

“The loss was…excruciating.”

“Aine…”

“And I broke, Richard. My heart. My brain. Just _**fucking**_ broke.” Her voice caught in her throat with each sentence.

Aine breathed in sharply through her nose needing to move on quickly before she lost the nerve.

“And I…I didn’t get the help I needed.”

“And. Fuck. Richard. Fuck.” Aine buried her head in her hands – her voice was shaky and quiet.

“And I took a lot of pills Richard.”

She couldn’t look at him. Couldn’t bear to see what expression he might wear.

She explained, “I didn’t want to wake up. I…I couldn’t…I couldn’t see through the grief Richard… I couldn’t.”

Aine shook her head, her tears fell fast and free remembering the pain.

“It was like…it was like I was in this fog - walking around, working… _pretending_. I just didn’t see the point. Everyone I…everything I lov….”

Aine squeezed her eyes shut again.

“It was unbearable.”

“So to me…in that state…there was no other way. No other way.”

Aine wiped her tears on her sleeves and continued.

“Shona found me. Got me to hospital. Saved my life. She set me up at uh,…a facility. I was there for 6 weeks.”

“Not one bloody jacuzzi Richard. Not one. Liars. Couldn’t call it a spa if I wanted to.”

"And, uh, I got out about 6 months ago.”

Richard reached to take her hands, but she pulled them back.

“But I’m not…I’m not _better_ Richard.…you have to know…I’m…I’m still healing.”

She looked at him earnestly then. “And some days are really fucking hard, you know? – Hello pandemic!”

“And, I think…I think it’s important you know that anxiety and depression are things I’ve always struggled with Richard…always. I put on a good show sometimes, you know? Tell a lot of jokes, make a lot of funny faces.”

Aine smiled. “And that IS me. That’s _just_ me. Sometimes it’s a mask – but…but, a lot of times it’s not.”

“So I guess what I’m saying is that…that this wasn’t just a dam breaking. I’m always going to have to work on my mental health. Always. The same way someone might take insulin for their diabetes, or physio therapy for an underlying condition. It’s part of me.”

But I _am_ working on it Richard. I promise.”

“Therapy helps, but…it’s, it’s really expensive…so I just have to, you know, go when I can…and carry on the rest of the time… but some days it’s…well, getting out of bed takes everything I have.”

“And sometimes…sometimes I have panic attacks. They’re scary – but they’ve been happening less and less recently.”

 **“** Aine **…”**

“Just…just before you say anything – um, just know…that whatever you decide to do with this information Richard – I will respect it – because this is not just about us. It’s about Etienne too, and God knows that boy has gone through so much. And I know you want to protect him…give him the stability he hasn’t had… that he deserves…to put him first…of course. ”

So, Richard, please believe me…I’ll understand…if…if I’m not what you think he needs…or what _you_ need.”

“Aine…”

But she wasn’t done.

“And I just want you to know – without expectation, or pressure, or guilt – just the honest truth, that, um – well… the best part of my day is you Richard – you and Etienne.”

“And I…I’m not looking for pity. Or for you to feel bad or guilty if you don’t want to be with me because of all this. Or for you to feel….maybe…worried?...for me if you decide you’d like to …stop. Because I’m okay. I’m not where I was before.”

“It will hurt” – she took a deep breath - “but I’ll be okay Richard.”

Aine’s shoulders slumped like a weight had been lifted off. Her stomach was still turning in knots…but at least he knew. At least now he knew.

“Take all the time you need…you don’t have to give me an answer ton…”

“ **Aine?** ” Richard interrupted gently, but more firmly this time.

“Yep?” She looked down at her hands, twisting a little piece of string she found around her finger.

Richard placed his hands on his knees. “I just have a few questions.”

Aine steeled herself. She knew what was coming. Between her mom and her sister – she’d been asked them all. 

This time she didn’t pull back when Richard took her hands. He moved off the coffee table to sit next to her on the sofa.

He cleared his throat.

“How do you take your coffee in the mornings?” What side of the bed do you prefer to sleep on? And can I expect your red cowboy boots to be making the journey with you?”

Aine turned to face him. Her eyes widened in surprise with her brows quickly furrowing into confusion. She stuttered not knowing what to say.

“Wh…what?”

Richard smiled and interlaced his fingers with hers. He repeated slowly,

“How do you like your coffee in the mornings?”

“What side of the bed do you prefer to sleep on?”

“And it’s imperative I know if I have to make room for your cowboy boots.”

She just stared at him. She didn't see pity in his eyes. She didn't see judgment. 

For the second time that evening Aine burrowed into his chest. He put his arms around her and pulled her close, scooting them back against the cushions so they were comfortable.

Aine couldn't quite believe what was happening. Had he heard her? She was still broken...still healing. Was she dreaming? 

"Richard?"

“Hmmm?”

“Are you...are you sure?”

“Aine. I’m so sorry for what you went through. For what you’re still going through. I…I can’t imagine…your loss. I wish I had known these past few months...I could have help-”

Aine leaned away to look at him with incredulity.

“Richard you did, you do! You help so much I can’t even begin to explain. I…I couldn’t tell you before. It was too much…and then…then when we got serious - the pandemic….and…”

“Hey, hey, it’s okay.” Richard looked at her, pushing her hair back behind her ear. “Aine, I understand. I understand. I’m not upset. I need you to know…what you said to me tonight took a lot of courage. Thank you for trusting me to hear it."

"In no way shape or form does this change the way I feel about you. I'm not going anywhere. Okay? I'm not going anywhere."

"Okay," Aine whispered back, relief washing over her.

"I understand that you’ve still got a ways to go before you feel yourself again. And I understand that even if you do get where you want to be, it’s not a definitive state of being. That's okay. I’m all in.”

He made her look at him then. Really look at him, putting his hand under her chin.

“You're not a risk I'm taking Aine. You’re not some liability. You’re a fallible, perfectly imperfect human being who happens to struggle with her health. God knows I've...I've had …moments in my life too.”

“I…I want to be there for you. And I’m sorry this fucked up society made you feel like telling me was a deal breaker.”

“And as for Etienne...I mean, I've only been a parent for about three and a half months, but I can see you've done so much for him already. He needs you in his life."

Aine’s head was swimming with emotion. She couldn’t believe it. Couldn’t quite wrap her head around how this evening was playing out. Richard paused and cleared his throat.

" _I_ need you in my life. You're everything..."

"I love you, Aine.”

The air rushed out of the room. Aine closed her eyes and opened them again. How did she get so lucky? How was this her life? She leaned in smiling, gently taking Richard's face in her hands.

She kissed him with all the tenderness and gratitude she felt. Two seconds.

Three.

Four.

She pulled away breathless, resting her forehead against his.

.

.

.

“Black."

"I don’t care as long as it’s next to you."

"The cowboy boots are coming."

"I love you too.”


End file.
